I was an avid bullet journaler for well over a year. Notebooks upon notebooks were filled with my to-dos, my calendar, my thoughts about life. Everything.
In the early days of bullet journaling it felt like my brain was being emptied of all of its stress. I’d literally wake up in the night worrying about something and then go, “Wait, that’s already in the journal. It’s okay to go back to sleep.”
And then I got back to my Z’s easier than it’d ever been for me.
I journaled through my miscarriage, journaled through nearly losing my mother to COVID, journaled through my career transitioning from support to marketing. I wrote everything out whether it was a dream, insight, or something I needed later.
But when my cat and best friend of 17 years passed I couldn’t bring myself to face the paper.
My systems fell apart in my grief
If you’ve never had a constant furry companion for years on end, this may seem a little silly. But Logan was with me from the time I was 17 until just days before my 35th birthday. He was there through me finishing high school, finishing college, dating, my first apartments, getting married, owning a house, etc.
He was there for me more than anyone else in my life because he could be right there.
So when he started getting old, losing his hair, being diagnosed with heart disease and skin cancer, you better believe I was there for him as long as possible. Probably too long for him, but never long enough for me.
I broke when he died. And if I’m honest with myself, I’m still broken.
My years-long routines flew out the window. Getting up at 5am, not happening. Reading personal development books, nope. Meditation, I couldn’t do it.
Everything made me cry. The last thing I wanted was birthday wishes the week after he passed, I could barely bring myself to shower let alone think happy thoughts for the next year.
Coming out of the fog
Then a colleague shared an image at work.
I couldn’t respond because I was too broken by it, but it helped me realize that my perfect systems were built on me and my willpower. I didn’t leave room for the 30 seconds of teeth brushing. It was all or nothing.
I insisted on meditating with no sound or guidance.
I filled out my bullet journal and migrated my calendars and to-dos faithfully on my own brain power… until I couldn’t because the grief hurt too damn much.
All of my goals, all of my productivity, everything I worked so hard to build up on my own crumbled with a goodbye I’ll feel in my soul forever.
And I realized I needed help to be the most basic form of Jules I could be.
So, I did two things in the spirit of doing things poorly:
- I logged back into Headspace and let the meditation coaches hold my hand through meditation. The course on grieving is one of the best I’ve ever gone through.
- I started using Todoist again
(For those not familiar, Todoist is an app that lets you make to-do lists and set up recurring tasks. You easily check items off as you go through the day and it gives you a little hurrah when you hit Todoist zero after checking everything off.)
How I leaned on Todoist as a form of self-care
Todoist became a form of self-care for me because I needed someone to tell me what to do and when to do it. I couldn’t keep anything in my head because that was swimming in pain.
So I started simple. I added the tasks that I needed to do to keep the lights on.
- Give Lola probiotics in the morning
- Take your pills at night
- Wash your hair
- Meditate for 10 minutes
And then I made them recurring tasks so they’d pop up automatically when they needed doing.
Past me was telling present me what needed doing that day. I’d be reminded of what was important and feel like I did something for myself. And at the very least, I kind of had an idea when I washed my hair last.
As I was able to process my feelings more and start to get back into my body, I was able to build on this simple system. I also know that if I ever need to get back to just surviving, I can cut it back down to those tasks that must be done.
Today, my Todoist system is slowly working its way into the Second Brain system that Tiago Forte teaches. It covers my areas of responsibility (those basic things I have to maintain standards in like health, relationships, etc), projects I’m working on whether work or personal, and it gives me a place to put stuff into the backlog so that I’m continually making progress.
Since I’ve started down this route of letting other systems help me, I’ve caught up on all my past due medical, dental, eye appointments, started this website and am currently working on another one with my brother… all while navigating my professional life and a life that now includes in-laws in the home.
What can I say? Capricorns might be a little ambitious…
Some final thoughts
Now none of this is to bash on the bullet journal system. I was similarly ambitious in that system too! And I look over at my journal with guilt because I genuinely enjoyed it. But it was something that I shared with my cat Logan. He was always in my lap while I scribbled away at my plans and it’s been hard to go back knowing he’s not there.
I’m sure I will get back to it eventually, when I’m ready. But Todoist can back me up this time.
What this is about more than anything is allowing help when you need it. Self-care isn’t all massages and pedicures. It’s taking personal responsibility for all the areas of your life, so that you can live it as best you can. Sometimes that’s living at ¼ speed because you’re broken and sometimes that’s going all in at 100 mph because you have the wind at your back.
I needed help and to let myself do things imperfectly, so I leaned into support apps like Headspace and Todoist. Slowly over time, my perfectionist self is starting to like having other systems in place to help pick up the slack.
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