The Potty Training Reality Check
We’re in the thick of potty training right now, and (quite naively) I thought I had it figured out. Over the weekend, things were going great—chill vibes, following my daughter’s lead, no pressure. I was feeling good about my approach.
Then Monday happened.
I sent Korra to daycare in her new training pants – the ones with PUL fabric, which is essentially the same material as period panties, but toddler-sized.
I explained our philosophy to the teachers: we’re keeping this calm, confident, and helping her feel in control.
By 11 am, they were taking her to the toilet every 10 minutes. My little Taurus was having none of it. The rage built, the meltdown came, and there was a lot of screaming (hopefully mainly from Korra, though I suspect the teachers wanted to cry too).
When they messaged asking what to do, I had to tell them: “Give her a choice of which diaper to wear. Let’s back off for a bit.”
The Funnel Theory
This experience reminded me of something I read recently. I can’t remember which book it was in, but it was probably a parenting book. The author talked about how everyone has a funnel, and the size of that funnel changes how much they can deal with at one time.
Some people have huge funnels. They can absorb a lot of information at once, handle multiple stressors, and cope with chaos without becoming overwhelmed. Other people have tiny funnels. For them, just a couple of things out of place is too much to handle.
My funnel for potty training messes? Pretty damn big. I’ve spent years cleaning up after my old man cat who couldn’t make it to the litter box. Twice daily floor cleanups were just part of life. Now I have an older dog who pees on the bed and sofa when her anxiety spikes. It’s not fun, but I can work it into my day without a fuss.
So when my toddler has accidents? What’s one more person peeing on the floor? I can take care of it.
But the daycare teachers? Their funnel for this particular type of chaos is smaller. They’re dealing with 11 other kids who also have needs. They can’t be as chill about accidents happening every five minutes.
When Funnels Don’t Match
I forgot that my relaxed approach to potty training might not work for others. Just because I have a bigger tolerance for chaos, doesn’t mean that’s where other people are at.
The teachers tried to accommodate us, but after the first accident, they went with what felt manageable to them: frequent potty breaks.
For them, preventing messes felt easier than dealing with them.
For my daughter? The constant interruptions and pressure were overwhelming. Her ability to handle that kind of structured approach is tiny. She needs time, calm, confidence. Being dragged to the toilet every 10 minutes when she’s engaged in play? That’s way too much.
Different Funnels for Different Situations
This funnel concept goes beyond just having a big or small capacity. People have different-sized funnels for different types of situations.
My husband and I see this in our parenting partnership all the time. My funnel is bigger for physical messes, emotional meltdowns, and chaos. His funnel is bigger for other types of challenges – scheduling logistics and making sure we have all the boring stuff I can’t remember to save my life.
Daycare teachers might have the capacity to manage several children’s emotional needs at one time, but not for accidents like peeing on the floor.
The Workplace Connection
This funnel theory applies way beyond parenting. Think about your last project where team members had completely different tolerance levels:
- The person who can juggle five urgent requests while staying calm
- The colleague who needs one task completed before moving to the next
- The manager who thrives in ambiguous situations vs. the one who needs detailed specifications in a five-page project brief
- The vendor who can handle scope creep vs. the one who shuts down when requirements change
We often assume everyone else operates the same way we do. However, recognizing that people have different capacities changes how we approach collaboration.
Meeting People Where They’re At
So what did I do about the potty training situation? I bought pull-ups.
Not because I gave up on our approach, but because I needed to meet the daycare where they were. I can’t expect them to have the same tolerance I do. They’re managing way more variables than I am at home.
Now Korra will have choices: training pants at home, where we can be relaxed, and pull-ups at school, where there’s more structure. Hopefully, she’ll be able to feel more in control, and the teachers can have more relaxed expectations for her.
In the end, it’s better if we’re all working within our actual capacity levels instead of trying to make it work. I’ve yet to see how this plays out with daycare, but I’m willing to bet that it will be a smoother ride from here on out.
The Bigger Lesson
Whether you’re potty training a toddler, managing a team, or working with vendors, the principle is the same: people have different tolerance levels for different types of challenges.
The goal isn’t to force everyone to manage what’s coming their way the exact same way you do. It’s to recognize the differences and find ways to honor everyone’s actual capacity.
Think of the things that spin you or a colleague out of control like:
- Too many Slack messages at one time vs. not enough communication
- Back-to-back meetings vs. no face-to-face touchpoints
- Calls without agendas vs. calls that are too structured
- Walls of text instead vs. clean project briefs
Let’s work toward a new approach.
That might mean changing the environment or finally fixing some of those “it’s fine, we’ve always done it this way” habits at work. Or maybe it just means admitting that what works beautifully at home can fall flat in a daycare full of toddlers.
Cough. My kiddo’s training pants. Cough.
The truth is, no one likes to be micromanaged—not your coworkers, and definitely not your toddler mid-play.
Honoring other people’s capacity is a low-key superpower, whether it’s with a work project or bribing a two-year old into her big kid underwear.
We’re all just trying to make it through the day without crying under a desk. Might as well give each other a little grace.
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